How a Solid Wall Keeps a Child Secure

Looking for the solid wall.

The kid had no solid wall. I watched her in the store. How long she’d been there with her mother, I don’t know. The child kept making threats – and watched to see her mom’s response.

“If you try to make me stop, I’ll start screaming!” she yelled, throwing more items into the shopping cart. “I’ll tell everyone you’re being mean to me!”  Even as she threw things into the cart, she kept watching her mom, waiting to see how she’d respond.

It was obvious this child wanted to find the boundaries – and there were none. She wished she knew where the wall was, but it was gone. She wanted to find a wall that was solid, but it wasn’t there.

Mom obviously wanted to corral her child, but was afraid to do so for fear of what her child might do next. No parent wants to be embarrassed in a public place in front of other people. So, she took the path of least resistance. Mom just pushed the cart along and acted like she didn’t see or hear what her kid was doing.

I’ve often wondered what happened when they got to the checkout. Did she simply pay for the items the child threw into the cart – things she probably didn’t need and might not ever use?

When there is no solid wall

It’s easy to judge the parenting of others when we know little about what is happening. I’ve been on the side of judgment from strangers who didn’t know my child nor me. I know how that feels.

Yet, on this day, I re-learned the importance of boundaries and a solid wall for children. No child really wants to be in control; they keep pushing the limits, waiting for someone to make them stop. When a parent refuses to do that, it only makes the child more insecure. An episode in a store is not the time nor place to instill boundaries. That’s better done at home. 

The problem is: sometimes we just don’t feel like holding firm boundaries. Our child is too tired, too cute, too silly, too young to understand, too traumatized from their past, so we fail them even more. It’s hard to stand firm when our child is pitching a fit. We want the peace to return and the tantrum to stop, accordingly, we do little – or nothing. I experienced this phenomena when we had foster kids. I knew their homelife was tumultuous and they needed to feel loved. Yet, when we set boundaries and kept them in place, our kids were happier and more secure. The sooner we did it, the better it was for all of us.  Every time we got a new set of foster siblings, I struggled with not wanting to be too hard on them. Every time, when we played by the rules and remained consistent, our foster kids were secure and happy, even though we weren’t their real family. We saw the same results with our own kids when they were small.

Shoring up the wall

There are ways to shore up a wall so that it is guaranteed to stay. You can add your own methods, but these are things that helped us build our walls. If you’re tired of the struggle with a child (or two or three), maybe these ideas can help send you on your way to providing a solid wall for your kids.

• Parents must be on the same page. You must talk about the child(ren) and agree to work together on providing walls.
• Most moms think dad is too strict; most dads think mom is too lenient. You need to find the balance and hold each other accountable.
• Choose your hills to die on, develop consequences, and follow through. Explain the consequences to your kids and prepare yourself to watch them test your resolve.
• Start at home when no one is watching. If your kids are old enough, explain your past failure, tell them how things will be different in the future, and follow through. Every day, every time, be consistent.
• Be consistent. Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Hold the wall.
• If you struggle to provide walls and consistently enforce them, talk to other parents and enlist their help and support.
• Ask God for wisdom  and grace. He will give it if you ask. Ask and then do what He tells you to do.