inappropriate behavior

Parenting – Rewarding Negative Behavior

inappropriate behaviorThe squeaky wheel (inappropriate behavior) gets the grease.

The “squeaky wheel” is inappropriate behavior. This saying points out that when you’re using equipment, the wheel that squeaks louder and most consistently will get oil (grease) applied so the squeaking stops. Who wants to travel along with a continual squeak marring the inside of a vehicle?

It’s also a way of saying that the person who complains the loudest, cries the hardest, or pouts the strongest gets attention. The compliant, obedient child gets less. Our natural tendency is to do whatever we have to do in order to have peace and quiet and stop the complaining and whining. Instead, we should turn our attention to ignoring inappropriate behavior.

Our kids learn our method. They know if they just keep on a little longer and turn the volume up even higher, Mom or Dad will cave in order to maintain quiet. Kids whose parents do not give in will try this behavior less frequently.

Unfortunately, many parents do not understand that they are rewarding their child’s inappropriate behavior by giving in when a child whines loudly.  They would never pat him on the back and say, “Way to go, kiddo! You kept on until you got what you wanted and I caved.” Yet, that is just what they are doing.

It’s hard – especially on those days when nothing seems to work. We just want to get through the day and have happy kids. We’re tired of having to stay strong and enforce the rules. So, we cave. We’re a crumbling mess of kid-rules-the-roost-because-I-let-him.

inappropriate behaviorWays to focus on the un-squeaky wheel

I don’t have a corner on this truth. I failed a lot more than I care to admit, but I know when I focused on rewarding positive behavior, things went better. Obedient kids are happy kids, even if they don’t know it yet. Teach your kids to obey by rewarding the positive and “ignoring” the bad. [I’m not saying we must ignore deliberate defiant behavior, but we can ignore a whine, and there’s a way to turn that ship around.]

Here are some ways I ignored inappropriate behavior when I had six kids under ten.

  • When one child is deliberately ignoring your command to do something, give accolades to the ones who are. “Thank you, Tommy, for washing your hands like I asked you to, and for sitting at the table without banging your feet. You are such a gentleman.” [I have ignored the child who came to the table with dirty hands and is kicking his feet on the chair because he is angry. More times than not, the child rushed to wash his hands and sat quietly because he wanted my applause, too.]
  • When a child is whining, say something like, “I can hear you talking, but you are not using an inside voice, and when you use an inside voice and when you can ask nicely by saying ‘please’, I will listen to you.” [He knows you know he’s upset, but you are not going to do anything about it until he acts the way he knows he should act.]
  • When a child struggles with behavior (lying, yelling, etc.), give recognition when he wins over temptation. Over dinner or sometime during the evening when everyone is home, you can say something like, “Honey, I was so pleased today that Johnny did not yell when he had a disagreement with Tommy. You would have been so proud if you had seen it, too.” [This recognizes that the child struggles and that you notice he is trying. It also encourages the siblings to want to help instead of antagonize in future times. Those “out of the blue” unexpected accolades will stay with a kid for years.]
  • Allow a child to “go first” or choose the menu or dessert as a way to recognize achievement on a character level. [No, we can’t “reward” every time a child obeys; yet recognition and a one-time “front of the line” can bolster a child’s confidence and let him know he’s doing things right. It will guarantee he will try harder next time]

The Balance

There’s a balance with letting a child’s behavior go to the point he is out of control, destructive, or disrespectful and ignoring inappropriate behavior. When a child needs consequences, give them. When a child is whining because he knows he will get what he wants, that’s the problem of the parent and not of the child. Don’t punish your child for doing what you taught him to do: whine to get his way. Be the parent and stop giving in to behavior that is not appropriate. Reward the good and the positive; reward the conquests of character development and recognize growth. That’s how you ignore inappropriate behavior.

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