When Friendships Leave You Barren
Understanding friendships.
A true friendship goes both ways. It’s true that often one person is the stronger, the more experienced in situations, or the older, of the two. Yet, there can be mutual comradery and sharing. Women need friendships other than that of their spouse. They need another woman (or women) with whom to relate life. We are made for friendship and should not feel guilty if we are lonely because of friendships lost. Some friends come into our lives for a moment, and others for longer. Sometimes a change in geography separates us and we must find a new “best friend” or comrade. Other times, it’s not physical distance that separates, but painful dynamics.
Friendships lost
Sometimes we lose a friendship because of differences in belief or practice. It does not need to be this way, but sometimes this happens. One or the other feels they can’t relate as friends because their values are so different.
Other times friendships are lost because of discord or disagreement. One party is hurt about something or feels betrayed. Trust is broken. Sometimes, others influence our friendships. It’s difficult to maintain friendships when spouses are at odds with each other. There’s little or no support from family or other friends to maintain the relationship.
No matter why or how it happens, there is pain, and sometimes grief. When we lose something important to us, there is a void. For some folks, they lose their moorings when a friendship is lost.
Finding healing from a lost friendship
1. Admit the loss. Don’t ignore it or deny the loss. Recognize the pain and own the part you played in the friendship lost. It might not be your “fault”, but it’s still a loss; closing your eyes and heart only compounds the pain.
2. Let it go. Hanging onto a lost friendship only makes you more miserable. A friendship is only true when both parties want to be friends. Remember the good about the friendship, but don’t hold on.
3. Forgive. When there is loss, there is pain. Sometimes the hurt is devastating. When betrayal causes the loss, you must forgive the person. To refuse to forgive, is to continue to carry the burden. Don’t hold a grudge or look for ways to avenge yourself or make the other person miserable. Forgiveness guarantees victory in these areas. Sometimes you have to forgive again when the devil reminds you of your betrayal and loss.
Doing friendships God’s way
4. Seek reconciliation, even if it’s just to clear the air. Reconciliation is not a guaranteed result of our efforts. Admit your wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness. If you don’t know why there is a rift, ask for clarification so you can seek reconciliation. Remember that you’re not responsible for the other party, but you are responsible for your heart. Scripture says that, as much as lies within us, we should live peaceably with all men. Do what you can, and if you are rebuffed, know you did “as much as lies within you”. Ask God to crack the door on the closed relationship if He wants this person back in your life. When the door cracks, walk through it. Develop the heart of a servant and give when you can.
5. Ask God to show you what lessons He wants you to learn from this failed relationship. Were you too dependant on this person? Did you choose this friendship above your relationship with God? Did you allow yourself to be swayed by this person beyond what is right? Distance helps us get a clear picture of relationship details. When you develop new friendships, remember what you learned, and don’t repeat your mistakes. Don’t waste the pain!
6. Know that God is all you need. When you wish you had a friend to spill your guts to, go to God. Tell Him you need a friend, and remember that He sticks closer than a brother. Use that void to get filled with God. Cry out the anguish to Him. He understands and He cares. I can tell you this, because I know. I really, truly know.
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