Learning How to Handle Your Spouse

The queen who learned how to handle her spouse.

If you want to learn how to handle your spouse, you must become a student of him. Queen Esther did that. She was brought to the palace to become the new queen. She had not been with King Xerses before this, but she learned to know who he was – how he thought, what mattered to him, and even his delights. Learning How to Handle Your Spouse Share on X  You can read the entire story by clicking here.

Become a student of Queen Esther, and you will learn how to handle your spouse. You might save a life or a people, and you will become a powerful influence for good in the life of your husband.

Learn to let him be in charge

Yep, that’s where he is called by God to be. It does not mean you don’t speak truth or encourage him to do what is right, but you don’t take the reins from his hands even when you think he’s doing things the wrong way. He is still the leader and he answers to God, not to you. God placed him as the leader of your relationship and he needs to stay there, even when he is wrong. God does not ask you to submit to him when he is wrong; but He does require you to show respect. That’s the fine line. Even when a spouse is oh, so wrong (and you can prove it from scripture), he’s still your husband and still in charge. It does not mean you follow him where he’s wrong, neither by disregarding scripture nor defending what he does. It does mean that, in respecting him, you do not speak disparagingly of his character. This is an important principle in learning how to handle your spouse.

Learn to speak his language

Queen Esther did this. She knew her king loved parties, pomp and show, and wine. She also knew he could be swayed to her side by intriguing him. Queen Esther realized that the beauty of the queen was important to him, and she lived with that reminder as the queen who took the place of Vashti. I’m sure Queen Esther prepared her body, her clothing, and her countenance when she went in before the King because she needed to win his favor. She knew what mattered to  him and she made certain that it also mattered to her because it was so important to him. This is another example of how Queen Esther knew – and practiced – how to handle her husband.

Esther also knew the king loved parties and banquets. That’s why she invited the King to a banquet – and then another banquet! She piqued his interest just by giving the invitation and by daring to come to his court unannounced and uninvited. Talk about bravery and daring! I’m certain this feat intrigued him also – or why else did he extend his golden scepter to her?

Learn to suggest rather than demand

I’ve yet to meet a man who does not like to have an idea to be his. He wants to own an idea. I also know that, when a man owns an idea, it becomes his. He claims it and moves forward. This does not mean that you can’t present an idea as your own. Nor does it mean you can’t get credit for an idea when it was yours in the first place.

This I know: when a man is at first resistant to an idea or a possibility, he becomes less resistant if he is given time to think about it until it becomes his own. That’s what suggesting, instead of demanding, does.

There are times when Dave is resistant to an idea I have. You know what I do? I let it go. Then I pray. And I watch, because experience has taught me that sometimes his strongest resistance changes to his strongest support when I respond in the right way.

Learning to use time as a tool

I’ve learned – in 37 years of marriage – that when I give Dave time to think and to process what I’ve “already decided”, he usually comes around. Backing off to give Dave space enables him to process without pressure. In time, he understands my reasoning. In time, he “comes around”. Recently we had a conversation about a situation. I knew when I had pushed enough, so I backed off. Honestly, to watch his response, one would think he’d never see it my way this time. But I knew my man – and in time, he decided what we needed to do. That “what” was exactly what I suggested in the first place. Yet, because I had thought about it for several days and had come up with a solution, I was ready to move ahead when he wasn’t. Dave needed time to process and pray. I needed to give him that time, and I used that time to pray that God would give my spouse wisdom. When we are willing to wait, it gives God time to change a man’s heart and perspective.  We recognize that God does not need any help from us when we are willing to wait.

When the chips are down

Do we always agree? Nope. Does he sometimes choose to have us go a different route than my suggestion? You betcha. Is it hard? Sometimes. There are times when he has the better idea; his evaluation of the situation is better than mine.

That’s part of marriage – and of working together to come to an agreement.

The beauty of learning how to handle your spouse

Learning how to handle your spouse is not about hanging onto pride, but learning how he thinks. Learning to handle your spouse has more to do with understanding how your man processes decisions, understanding his fears, and applauding his character.

Understanding how to handle your spouse is not an agenda for control, for manipulation, or for railroading him into doing what you want. It’s an agenda for allowing your spouse to be your leader and encouraging him to follow God’s Word and directions for living. Handling your spouse is an opportunity for you to encourage him to find his way, even if the idea was yours in the first place.

Queen Esther used what she knew about her husband to save her people. She invited his interest and intrigue by her demeanor, attire, planning, dining, and dinner invitations.  Esther asked for the lives of others, not just her own. She was unselfish yet determined, uninhibited yet discreet. Esther – with her maids and her people – fasted and prayed for three days prior to going before the king. God used all of these to cause her husband to be intrigued and to want to learn more. He used these also to move the heart of the king, thus sparing Esther’s life and the lives of her people. Esther came to the palace for such a time as this. She was a mighty and powerful force, yet she exhibited godliness in her power and her doings.  That’s what God wants for us as well.

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