How We Can Know when We Have a Bad Marriage
How to tell
There are many marriages around us that are healthy and good. There are others that are miserable and barely afloat. Sadly, many couples wait too long to get help. By the time they are ready to admit their boat is sinking, it is difficult to fix the leaks and repair damage. BUT God is a God of redemption. If you’re not sure if your marriage is good, perhaps these symptoms will help you realize if it’s healthy or not.
Keeping quiet signifies a bad marriage
A bad marriage is often evident in the way a wife tries to submit and show respect. Women who believe in following scripture for their relationships and marriages sometimes get it wrong. I’m not sure if it’s because we don’t want to deal with the truth, we don’t see the truth, or we don’t have the strength to face the truth. Perhaps it’s because acknowledging truth is not worth the price we would have to pay.
There’s a fine line we walk in relating to our spouses (and others). Scripture tells wives to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord. We are also to respect and honor them. The same Bible also tells us to speak the truth in love, to be a helpmeet, and to let iron sharpen iron.
When we refuse to speak truth (and defend our spouses in their moments of failure), we validate that ours is not a good marriage. When we refuse the opportunity to be a helpmeet for him, we validate that our marriage is not good. And, when we won’t allow truth and conviction to sharpen the conscience of our spouse, we show that our marriage is not good.
Granted, there are husbands who don’t want to hear from a spouse when they are wrong or when they could have done better. There are men who dictate what their spouse must think and feel. Some husbands expect and demand unqualified support by making life so difficult for a questioning wife that it’s not worth the price she would have to pay, so she keeps silent. Any of us can attest that a marriage like this is not good. – because it’s not really a marriage, where two become one. It’s a dictatorship where he demands her to jump and she asks, “How high?” on the way up.
Showing respect in the wrong way is evidence of a bad marriage
We show respect in the way we honor the role of our spouse. It does not mean we always agree or that we follow without disagreement. Nor does showing respect mean we validate his feeling and actions. A spouse can show respect to her man and still disagree with him. She does not need to acquiesce to the way he does things or defend him to show respect. Actually, apologizing for your spouse in private, when he is not around, doesn’t show respect, either. It simply tells the other parties that you know he’s wrong, but you won’t admit it to him. How disrespectful and unfair is that?!
Going along with our spouse because we don’t want to confront him is not respectful. It’s a detriment to our relationship. It says we can’t be honest and we’re hiding the way we feel. This is unfair to ourselves and to our spouse and it validates that our marriage is not good.
Submission for the wrong reasons breeds a bad marriage
Just so, many times wives submit to their spouse wrongly. Perhaps they feel they have no other choice. Maybe they just don’t want to say how they feel because he stifles their thoughts. Possibly, they really think submitting without questioning is the way it is done. They’re wrong. Submitting for those reasons is not true submission and it is disrespectful. A marriage relationship that has mutual submission is what God prescribes. If there’s not mutual submission in your marriage, then it’s not a good marriage. It can’t be because it defies what God ordained.
When a wife “submits” because she has no choice or because she does not want to pay the price of honesty, is that true submission? Rather, that is the result of oppression of a dictator. When a wife has no choice in submission, it isn’t submission at all. It’s simply being a slave to the whims of her spouse.
Constant bickering is evidence to everyone that it’s a bad marriage
Bickering happens when we are not willing to allow the other person to be right. Things have to go our way or we make sure the other one is miserable. Refusing to consider the other’s point of view is selfish and only makes everyone miserable. Scripture tells us that we should “esteem” others more than ourselves. When we esteem others, the bickering stops. If there is bickering in your marriage, there is selfishness. There are productive ways to communicate our frustrations, but bickering is not one of them. Constant bickering announces that this is not a good marriage.
When the cards are on the table
Today, so many marriages are on the brink of disaster. Many folks contemplate divorce because they see no way out. The pain is too great; the past is too haunting; and the price is not worth the cost. First, one wants to go for counseling when the other doesn’t. Then the tables turn. Now the other one is ready for counseling while the first one bails out. Sadly, this is not what God wants for any marriage. He wants restoration and redemption. God hates divorce, and so should we.
While there is no magic formula, there are some things you can do to get on the road to healing. At the end of your life, what do you want to hear Him say to you? Here are some pointers to get you heading in the right direction.
- ASK God for help. Ask God for wisdom and confess your own sins, not those of your spouse. Pour out your heart to God and let Him carry the blackness of your marriage. Pray for your spouse and for yourself. Every single day.
- Be aware that you must get help. You cannot do this on your own. Find someone who believes in the permanence of marriage and ask them to help you. Don’t let pride keep you from getting help. You need to feel comfortable with the person who walks with you. You must also be able to trust this person.
- Commit yourself to follow the path God has for you. Take the steps your friend or counselor asks you to take even when it’s hard. Keep going back to scripture instead of wallowing in the opinions of others.
- Decide if you are willing to put forth the effort to get to a restored relationship. What is the legacy you want your children to receive from you when marriage comes to their minds? Follow that path.
- Enter restoration. Stop listening to folks who point you in the wrong direction. Don’t wallow with others in the miserable marriage mire. Get up and keep your face toward God and what He wants for you. God’s specialty is restoration. That is why He sent Jesus. That’s why He can bring healing to your marriage – because that is Who He is and what He does.
