Allowing Your Child to Choose His Own Discipline
It happened with God.
Allowing a child to choose his own discipline can be a good thing. Before you roll your eyes at me, consider the example given in scripture. God gave David three choices for consequences (discipline). David was allowed to choose from one of those three. David chose, instead, to let God choose which of the three punishments would be dealt. He wanted to be at the mercy of God rather than at the mercy of men. Smart man.
When your child is old enough to understand his wrong doing, you might want to consider this tactic. When you’ve been accused in the past of being too harsh, you can consider this approach. Sometimes being able to “negotiate” helps a child feel that he has favor with his parent, or will perhaps feel that he is loved. There might be a time that he is given opportunity to choose his own discipline.
The back story to choosing his own discipline
David (the King) decides to take a census. He wants to know how many people are in his kingdom. The problem is not that taking a census is always wrong; in fact, God had the children of Israel number themselves numerous times. This time, however, it is wrong. God didn’t order it, and David doesn’t ask permission. His commander, Joab, even questions him; but David insists. He makes the decision on his own without the blessing of God. Perhaps he is proud; maybe he is competing; possibly he is covetous. Whatever his motive, it is wrong. And, he learns that Israel has 800,000 valiant men and Judah has 500,000.
Later, his conscience bothers him; he confesses his sin. God sends a messenger, Gad, who tells David he has three choices for his punishment. 7 years of famine; 3 months of pursuit by his enemies; or 3 days’ plague in his land.
David chooses to fall into the hand of God instead of into the hand of man (smart move, you think?). David knows God’s mercies are great and he wants those mercies rather than the pain from punishment through man. God sends a plague, and 70,000 men die. Those men die because of David’s sin. Those deaths now decrease his numbers of valiant men.
The possibilities from negotiating
A consequence is still a consequence. Especially when a child is older, having to consider options for consequences will help him consider what could be required of him. Choosing what seems easier to him at the time will help him reckon with the fact that disobedience requires consequences.
You know your child; you know his greatest likes and dislikes. A child might choose missing a meal over missing a youth activity. He might choose doing a certain job by himself over losing a privilege for a week (a certain game, toy, or activity). For a child who loves to go to the library, ride his bike, swim, play ball, or go to a friend’s house to play, losing that privilege will be difficult; yet choosing which privilege to lose will tell you which matters most to him (at least in that moment.)
The blessing of choosing
When a child is (at times) given a choice, he will recognize that his parent is not all cold-hearted. He will experience both grace and mercy because he gets to choose. There is still a consequence, but being able to choose will also help him consider that his wrong-doing must be dealt with.
We did this a few times with our kids. Later we told this story to a kiddo in our home, and allowed him to choose which of three consequences he would have for his poor behavior the day before. He got to choose and, even though what he gave up was important to him, he chose to keep what mattered most for that time. There was no arguing or attempted negotiating, and everyone was happy.
This might not work for each of your kids, but it is guaranteed to work for some of them. Plus, they’ll learn a new Bible story in the process and learn a little more about God along the way!
You can read the full story of the choices David had by going here, or here.
This is a repost from five years ago.
