The Thing About Marriage

The question

She asked about marriage. I didn’t know the gal, but the question she asked still haunts me. “Those of you who are married more than ten years, tell me how you did it? We’re in our eleventh year, and I’m struggling.”

Without knowing anything about her situation, I pondered the question. She was asking: “Is there hope for us?”; “Can you tell me if we’re going to make it or not?”; “Help!”

I remember days like that. Life moved at a fast pace as we juggled work and kids and relationships all around. 

We didn’t have time – or money – to hire a babysitter and eat out weekly to talk about things. The days were short and the nights, sometimes, were long. By the end of the day, we didn’t always have energy to sort through our disagreements. There were days we simply made it through the day, knowing a conversation was waiting for a better time

When your spouse wants a good marriage as much as you do, it makes a difference. When you’re single-parenting because a father is emotionally absent, or you’re trying to improve the marriage without interest of your spouse, other steps might work better for you. These ideas are especially relevant for those with spouses who want to do marriage best.

If you and your spouse both want your marriage to be good, and want to take it to a new level, perhaps my thoughts will help. When we zoned in on these, we found a path that helped our marriage mature, despite the challenges we faced.

The first Cs of marriage

Combine. Your marriage is the joining of two people, two cultures, two families, and two ways of doing things. Both parties’ pasts are important. You get to work at combining who the two of you are. It’s frustrating and fun at the same time. Your marriage must contain the blend of both of you. To ignore your past or your spouse’s past defeats the goal of your marriage. Make your marriage the unique blend of your collective past with its own flair and taste. 

Cleave. When you marry someone, you marry into that family. His family is part of you because of his past. However, in marriage, you leave and cleave. This means you unloose the strings that tie you to your family and strengthen the ties to your spouse. Those strings of loyalty and commitment are now tied to your spouse. You “grab hold and hang on” to your spouse. Many marriage difficulties could be quelled if only we learned to let our mamas know that we don’t live by her rules anymore. Your mama’s way and his mama’s way are not the way to do things anymore. You have to find your way – and make sure both your mamas know. 

Choose your battles. When we’re tired or frustrated and already hurt, an idiosyncrasy will seem worse than it is. (Those dirty socks on the floor, the unfinished project you’ve stared at for weeks, the toothpaste tube with the cap still off). Step back and ask yourself if this battle is worth fighting in this moment. Give yourself time to cool off, to feel rested, and to remember the things he has done that you’ve forgotten. It’s not that it’s wrong to ask him to pick up his socks, but this might not be the best time for repeating that request. If you’re irritated,this certainly won’t be the right way to remind him.

More Cs of marriage

Communicate. Some couples set up a time weekly to talk about life and their relationship. Some do it once a month. Other couples set goals for the year and break them down into monthly goals.  Assuming he knows how you feel doesn’t cut it. Thinking “he ought to know!” doesn’t guarantee that he does indeed know. Tell the truth about words said or actions that bring pain. Be ready to admit your own wrong and ask forgiveness. Even if it has to be changed from week to week, set a time to talk about life together.

Connect.  Sometimes we have to put issues on the back burner because of schedule or a crisis. Yet, we must stay connected. Be appreciative. Show respect. Both provide oil on an irritable joint. Reach out and touch. It’s hard to stay mad at someone you’re holding hands with – or cuddling with on the sofa. Sex does more than join bodies. It cements souls together. Not only does sex connect us, it also has health benefits. Sex affects sleep, immune systems, blood pressure for the good and decreases anxiety and depression. Sex with a spouse makes a man capable of conquering the world.  It connects you in ways nothing else can.

The last – and best- C

The blessing of working on your marriage all year (and life) long is that you become comfortable with each other. When your kids are grown and gone, and all you want to do at the end of the day is go home and be with your spouse, that’s comfort. When there’s nobody you’d rather be with than your spouse, you know you are comfortable.

Working together on combining who you are, choosing battles, cleaving, communicating, and connecting bring the end result of a marriage that stands the test of time. It’s a marriage that brings comfort because you’re at home, at peace, and safe.

Now, that’s a Valentine’s day to celebrate!

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