#4 What I’d Do Differently in Raising Kids – Family Night

The idea

My idea for a family night was not a total failure. It just didn’t happen the way I envisioned and hoped it would be.

I don’t call what we did “family night,” even though we had nights for our family that could have been considered family nights. The idea was great and we accomplished it in different ways. Yet its consistent implementation is what I would change if I could.

When you’ve got a passel of kids (and I think a passel is better than a few), the less vocal and the younger ones tend to get lost in the shuffle. Younger kids are often not asked for their opinion. Nor are they given a choice when the older ones have an idea and are ready to move with it. Often, we as parents assume the idea is okay with everyone when it’s proclaimed loudly by a few. We don’t always realize that quiet whispers aren’t being heard. Therefore, the minority of the group can tend to rule even when that is not the intent of the parents.

Our unofficial family nights

We had nights with family that were fun and creative. We played games (both inside and out). Hide and seek on the swing set in the back yard or hide and seek in the house were always a favorite. Dave found more creative places in the house to hide than one can imagine. Sometimes he stood on the knob of the back of the door. When they kids swung the door, he swung with it. They never noticed him since they were shorter than the door knob. I, on the other hand, was usually the first person who got caught.

We played football and softball and ran races. We played table games for hours (and still do.) Some evenings we sat around the dining room table coloring. Each person had his own coloring book (including the parents). There was plenty of talk and discussion going on while we colored, which meant a lot of connecting. Sometimes we played putt putt at a local course or participated in local events. We didn’t call it family time, even though that’s what it ended up being.

Casting votes

My cousin raised eleven children – three daughters and eight sons, including two sets of twins. (Don’t feel sorry for this cousin; she raised a powerful bunch of kids who are great friends to this day.) The middle child was the youngest girl. Sandwiched smack dab in the middle between the oldest five and the youngest five, she grew up acquiescing to whatever the other siblings wanted. It wasn’t a big deal to her, because she’s the kind of whatever makes you happy person.

Years later as a teenager, she and oldest sister stopped in at a store to pick up some chips for the family. Older sister told youngest sister to choose the flavor she wanted. Middle child was so used to letting others pick what they wanted that she didn’t have any opinion. Oldest sister insisted middle child choose. Middle child couldn’t decide, but oldest sister won. It was hard, but middle child finally chose.

Even though this happened in this family dynamics, the middle child grew up to become a leader and an encourager in her church and work place. The point of this story (shared by permission) is that had the family implemented a family night once or twice a month, middle child would have had opportunities to be heard. One night (or two or three) a year she would have been able to (or had to) choose an activity she preferred over all her siblings. Middle child would have learned to figure out what she liked. Other ten siblings would have learned to see her as an individual who had opinions as well.

A special evening

My vision for a specified family night was that we’d be together as a family (with no guests) and have a special supper. The activity and possibly menu would be chosen by a specific child – taking turns by the week or month, however often we had “family night.” That way, even a two-year old could choose to have the entire family build with Legos or blocks, or play in the sandbox together. As often happens, the ten year old or teenagers tend to override what the preschool caboose wants. And caboose gets lost in the shuffle.

Sure, there were times when we catered to a younger child, even though the older ones didn’t want to play the game this child wanted. It just didn’t happen as regularly, and it wasn’t always intentional on our part. Sadly, sometimes the squeaky wheel got the grease!

Intentionality with spontaneity

Spontaneity can show the creativity of our kids. There’s a lot of laughter that happens when we remember the ridiculous things that happened without any planning. Yet there are times when it’s good to be intentional. Times when we say, “This is our family, and this is our time. Each person is important, and each person gets to have his turn to choose what is special to him.”

Sure, a child might need to participate in something he doesn’t like  because another child got to choose. His turn will come when everyone will participate with him in what is important to him. Parents can also take a turn choosing the activity. Our children need to practice deferring to what a parent might enjoy as a family as well. Parents can use their turn to choose an activity that will hone in specific abilities or attitudes that need to be addressed.

Turn off and tune in

In today’s family, parents need to turn off the computer or phone and focus, for a few hours, on their children. Children, who are used to having a father on the phone for business most of the evening, will have his undivided attention. The quiet, passive child won’t get missed. Your boisterous, dominant child will learn to watch others have a turn. The prominent personality will learn to consider the desires of others. And, the  I-just-want-everybody-to-be-happy kid will learn to have an opinion that counts. You know something else? The parents will learn what makes each child tick and they just might find out some hidden desires of the heart. It’s a win-win for everybody.

We say our children are special, unique individuals, and they are. All of us will declare that family is important, and it is. We say TIME is more important than things.  Family night is a way to say this clearly and consistently to every one of our kids.