When You Should Not Defend Your Spouse

To defend

What does it mean to defend your spouse? To defend yourself or someone means you ward off an attack or fight in (self) defense. This can be done physically, verbally, or even emotionally. When I speak of defending your spouse, I speak as a woman, because that’s who I am. (This can be just as true of a man defending his spouse). This is the reason that, for clarity, the “spouse” is called “him” in this post.

The purpose of defense is protection. We want to protect ourselves (or our spouse) from backlash, consequences of their actions, or attack. We are not looking out for the attacker or (in some cases) the one we harmed. Rather, we look out for ourselves – our feelings, our finances, our ego, or our reputation.

When defense is right

When accusations are made that are false, we can set the record straight. Sometimes, though, it’s best to leave well-enough alone. In time, truth comes out. In time, right prevails. “In time” means we leave it to God’s time, not ours. Often, this requires months or even years of patient waiting. Sometimes folks who are falsely accused are not vindicated until after their death. 

When we are asked questions, we do not always need to answer. We should usually answer if the person asking sincerely wants to know if his understanding is correct. We can answer if it is our desire to set the record straight. The temptation is to not only straighten the record, but to blast the other person who has wronged us. Be careful of that.

When it is wrong to defend your spouse

It is wrong to defend your spouse when he is wrong. Our guilt is equal with his if we defend him when he is in the wrong. In our haste to want to show support, we sometimes defend the wrong.

This “wrong” can be things he says or does. Even if you think his intent was correct, it is still wrong to defend your spouse. Many times women make excuses: “He was just tired.”; “You don’t know the stress he’s under.”; “He didn’t mean it that way.”

Sometimes we make excuses because we don’t want to deal with truth. Other times, the “price” we must pay for confronting our spouse is not (we think) worth the conflict that results. It is always right to tell the truth. It is always right to lovingly tell our spouse when we know he is wrong.

Many women don’t realize that in defending their spouse when he is wrong, they are creating a facade that others see through. People quickly identify a spouse who is defending wrong behavior.

Do not defend your spouse when he is wrong. Instead, stand up for truth and for the right. Others will thank you for it – and hopefully he will too, someday.