What to do with Survivor’s Guilt
What it is
Survivor’s guilt is the guilt one feels for “surviving” an event when others didn’t. It can be guilt of not experiencing a loss someone else has experienced. This guilt can come from not needing to endure what someone else endures. Survivor’s guilt is real. I am living in it now.
Life happens
The world over, we face experiences that are not “fair”. We want life to be fair, at least for us. When it isn’t fair and we come out better than someone else, we experience guilt. Why was he the one who died in the accident and not me? How come my buddy stepped on the land mine and not me? Why is his diagnosis terminal and not mine?
A few years ago, I felt the weight of this guilt because two of my sisters learned they carried a genetic marker that put them in a higher risk of breast cancer. My test was negative. I -in birth order right between the two – felt guilty, even though it was not my fault. A few years later, I discovered I carried a different mutation, putting me at higher risk of pancreatic cancer.
A friend was diagnosed with breast cancer; it was Her2+. At the same time, I received a diagnosis of breast cancer; mine was Her2-. Her was fast-growing; mine was not. She underwent chemotherapy; I did not. Life isn’t fair.
Another survivor’s guilt journey
Just a few months ago, cancer reared its ugly head in the same sisters – again. Chemotherapy is underway and we wait to see what happens.
And me? My December MRI shows that the tumor on my pancreas remains stable and the same. I have survivor’s guilt, again. While we are so grateful for my good news, we also struggle with the other not-so-good news in my family.
Giving Back
What do we do with survivor’s guilt? I’m not an expert, but I know what helps me.
- Acknowledge the guilt (that isn’t really yours to carry). Admit that it’s there and is part of your emotions.
- Be thankful for what you have. You might not “deserve” it, but you can claim good health, or life, or a better diagnosis. Thank God for this gift, even if you don’t think you deserve it. He doesn’t always give His gifts based on whether we deserve it.
- Give Back. When you experience healing or a better prognosis, give back to God. Use the time you might use for doctor’s visits or treatments and give it back to God. One of my greatest emotional healings from survivor’s guilt came the year I “gave back” to God one day a week. I didn’t need to have chemo, so I gave that chemo day to God. Every week, I remembered how different my life could be; it was a reminder to give thanks and an opportunity to show my thanks.
The bottom line
We do not choose how God ordains our lives. Sometimes we experience consequences of our choices and decisions and suffer from our actions. Yet, He chooses to send rain on the just and the unjust. We cannot control what happens; yet we can control our response. When life is better to you than you think you deserve, or when life seems to not be fair, stop wallowing in the misery of the unfairness of life. Instead, give back. It will change your outlook and bless others as well.
