Lessons from Rebekah: The Cost Of Dishonoring Your Spouse

? Happily Ever After

Dishonor between the lines happens subtly. The love story of Isaac and Rebekah has the beautiful beginning of an arranged marriage. Abraham sends his servant to his father’s people to find a spouse for his son Isaac. There are instructions, and the servant follows them to the letter. Rebekah meets this stranger at the well and responds to his query in such a way that he knows. Abraham’s servant knows she is the woman for his master’s son, Isaac.

Rebekah is willing to go with this strange servant to another part of the country. She is willing to go to meet her unknown bridegroom now. She gives up staying at home for ten days to bid farewell to her family and kindred. You can read the account by clicking here.

Scripture says Isaac loved Rebekah deeply. He lost his mother, and his wife is a comfort to him. It seems there was not dishonor between the two in those first years. Twenty years later, they are still waiting to have a child. Isaac prays, and God opens Rebekah’s womb. They receive a double blessing: twin sons.

Not So Happily . . . and dishonor

There is a problem, though. The sons are as different as night and day. Even in the womb, they tangled. Rebekah is given the prophecy that there are two different nations in her womb, and the elder will serve the younger. It’s too bad she thinks it is her job to make sure that happens (as if Jehovah needs any help from her).

Esau, the first born, is hairy and red-headed; he loves hunting and all things masculine. He is favored by his father. Jacob, prophesied before birth to continue the bloodline of the Messiah, is not hairy and not red-haired; he is favored by his mother because he enjoys staying at home among the tents, gardening and cooking. He becomes a favorite of Rebekah. We don’t have to surmise this; it’s right there in scripture.

• Letting your children get in the way of your relationship with your spouse is a dishonor to your spouse.
• Catering to a child who is more like you and loving the one like your spouse less is a dishonor to your spouse and to your child.
• Pitting your child against your spouse is wrong. That’s what Rebekah does Look at what that dishonor cost them!

A Birthright for Lentils

The day Esau comes in from hunting declaring he is about to starve, he asks for the stew Jacob is making. He gets it – after selling his birthright to Jacob for the bowl of stew. Scripture says he despised his birthright.

When they are grown men, Esau marries pagan women, which causes problems in the family. Life is more difficult for Rebekah now; perhaps she even resents her eldest son for the grief he caused her. Jacob remains unmarried and no doubt continues to be of great help to his parents.

The day comes when Isaac thinks he will soon die. He sends Esau to hunt some game with instructions to fix it just the way Isaac likes it. After eating the meal together, Isaac is going to give Esau the blessing. You have to understand that the one who get the blessing and the birthright is the one who inherits a double portion at the death of the father. He is also then promoted to the head of the clan.

‘Only problem is, Esau sold that birthright to Jacob. It is apparent that Rebekah knew about this, and she sets out to make sure this will not happen.  Do you find yourself wondering what Esau was thinking when he went to hunt that wild game for his father? Did he forget that he had sold the birthright?!

Dishonor by Deceit – and After

I’ve often wondered how God would have worked this out so that Jacob got the birthright instead of Esau, since this was His plan. This I know: Jehovah did not need any help  from Rebekah; He would have managed just fine on His own.

• Trying to steer our spouse is disrespectful, both to him and to God. God doesn’t need any help from us in moving our husbands where He wants them to be.
• Trying to steer our spouse is not only a dishonor to him, it’s a dishonor to God. Payday will come.

The story line continues in the next chapters of Genesis. While Esau is out hunting, Rebekah turns into a conniving woman. She sends Jacob out to bring in two young kids because she is going to help Jacob get that birthright! By the time the kid-stew is complete, she has goat hair on Jacob’s arms and shoulders (so Isaac will think it is Jacob should he feel his skin) and outfitts him in Esau’s clothes so he will smell like the oldest son.

• Finagling things so our child will get what we want him to have or get what he wants is harmful, especially when it is done in defiance to the wishes of our spouse. This is exactly what Rebekah did to Isaac. 
• Going against one’s spouse teaches our children to be dishonoring to him as well. When we model defiance, chances are we will reap it later in our children.

Isaac questions Jacob two times, and both times Jacob lies right to his father’s face, declaring that he is Esau. He also credits God with helping him “find” the meat so quickly when in actuality, Jacob just went out to the goat herd to get what he needed. Don’t think Rebekah wasn’t standing there listening the entire time.

• Lying to our spouse (or to anyone) is wrong.  It is especially wrong to encourage our children to be disrespectful to their parent by encouraging them to be deceitful. By encouraging Jacob to lie, Rebekah was being disrespectful to her husband. Her attitude and action was a dishonor to her spouse.

Isaac finally believes Jacob, and gives him the blessing. By the time Esau comes back from his hunt, it is too late. Esau begs his father for a blessing, and he gives one; but it isn’t the blessing the first born should have received. As Jehovah told Rebekah when the boys wrestled in her womb, the elder will serve the younger.

• Even when we think we know what God wants or intends, it is not in our place to manipulate things so that it happens. God doesn’t need our help (and neither does our spouse) if there is something that God says will happen. Trying to move ahead of God’s way of doing things or of His timing is disrespectful, not only to our husbands, but to Jehovah God as well.

Murder He Wrote

Esau, the now-disfavored firstborn, becomes so angry he plots to kill Jacob. He will wait until after his father’s death and the time of mourning for Isaac is past. Rebekah hears his plans and decides to send Jacob away in a run for his life. Does she come clean and tell Isaac?  Oh no, she comes up with another lie.

She says to her dying husband, “I’m so sick of these Hittite women around here. I’d rather die than have Jacob marry one of them. Can we send him away to my brother and have him find a wife there?”

What happens to Jacob matters more to Rebekah than being honest and forthright with her spouse. She continues the cover-up because her son matters more than her own husband. Isaac agrees, and Jacob flees. He never sees his mother again; Rebekah dies before his return.

• Giving a different reason than the truth is disrespectful and dishonoring to our spouse. Telling one lie makes us have to cover up with more lies. Our relationship with a child should never supersede the relationship with our spouse. Even when we don’t agree with our spouse, that relationship must be paramount over any other, including the relationship with our children. By choosing a child (or children) over our spouse, we are dishonoring our spouse.

Fairy tale Reality

I’ve often wondered what happened to Isaac and Rebekah that caused their relationship to disintegrate into lies and deceit.  What started out as a storybook romance didn’t end that way. Isaac was no more the perfect husband than Rebekah was the perfect wife. There’s a reason Rebekah didn’t mind lying and deceiving. Yet we can’t blame Isaac because she was responsible for the choices she made.

When we are tempted to only tell part of the truth, to hide the bills from our shopping spree, to twist facts to our favor, or to embellish our woes, it’s time to take note and think about Isaac and Rebekah. Begin by making a deliberate decision to honor and respect your spouse.

Let God work on your spouse’s idiosyncrasies and exert your energy, instead, on becoming a woman of honor and respect. You will be blessed, I know.

This is a repost from six years ago. I see this type of dishonor all around me. It must stop.