Check the Whining
Whining begins at home
I remember days I felt whiny on the inside – and it came out on the outside. Then my kids started whining and I wondered why. A reality-check helped me (sometimes) realize it was at least partly my fault. Without saying anything, our attitude and demeanor will filter through the house and to our kids.
I’m not saying that if your child whines, you are a whiner. Some personalities (I think) lend themselves more to whining than others. Some kids are more upbeat and others think the world is against them. These two different types of kids can be in the same family.
At the same time, our children do pick up our inner not-so-hidden attitudes. They watch us get what we want by feigning a headache or pouting, even when we don’t say a word. Our kids also pick up our inner mood even when we don’t realize we have an inner mood. Of this I am certain, and you are welcome to ask me how I know.
Listen to the tone to detect whining
If you have a child who is a whiner, there are some things you can to to help the whining stop. It starts with you and ends with your child.
If you’re a whiner or a pouter, STOP. Stop, because your child does emulate you. Check your internal attitude and change the thermostat. Be proactive in speaking in positive tones. Change your negative criticism to positive reinforcement. Do this with your spouse, your kids, your friends, and the clerk at the grocery store. Your kids are absorbing your attitude. Listen to your tone, and you will know if you are a whiner.
Positive reinforcement
Focus on the positive. Do not reward the negative. When your child whines, do not let him have what he wants. There are several ways you can do this.
- ignore the request from the whiner; do not act on what he wants
- tell him that when he asks pleasantly, you will answer. Follow through.
- especially when a child is a real whiner, compliment him when he asks in the right tone. Thank him for remembering to ask nicely, or for not whining when he asks.
- show him what you mean (if he doesn’t get it). Repeat his request in a pleasant tone and then repeat it in a whiny tone. Ask him which sounds better and which makes him feel better.
Respect must be modeled
We tend to think that our kids do not need to be thanked for obedience or for doing their “chores”. It’s true that our children should be able to obey without constantly being applauded.
Yet, modeling respect and appreciation helps our children understand the importance of doing things well without whining. When an employer thanks us for a job well done, a spouse expresses appreciation for a good meal, or our child thanks us for helping with homework, we rather like it – and we need that affirmation. It doesn’t mean we won’t do these things unless we are thanked and appreciated, but these gestures provide oil on the wheel of life. When we know how much it means to us as adults, we ought to willingly give affirmation to our kids.
When a child does his “chores” without complaining or does an exceptional job, express appreciation. You’ll find that whining goes down. When a child begins to ask for a favor or a snack without whining, affirm him in his effort in asking with a “please” instead of a “whine”.
The bottom line
Stay tuned to the tone you exhibit as well as the tone of your kids. Nix the whining by not caving to the whine or giving in to the whiny request. Give positive reinforcement. Give and show respect to those around you. Respect nixes the whine and encourages affirmation.
You’ll win some and you’ll lose some. The important thing is to stay tuned to the tones in your house so you can strike while the iron is hot. The sooner you “strike”, the easier it will be to fix the whine. Ask me how I know. 🙂
Photo credit: Gundula Vogel@pixabay.com
