How to Fight Fair in Marriage
fighting fair
The enemy of marriage is not one spouse or the other. It is the Evil One. Remember that. Because we must be on the same team, we must recognize our enemy, and we must learn to fight fair.
This means we “fight” for each other and our relationship, and not against each other. Easier said than done – how well I know.
The way we go about disagreeing with each other tells a lot about our marriage and about us as individuals. We are on the same team, and therefore we must fight fair.
Bullets to help you fight fair
- Choose Complaint over Criticism. Criticism targets the individual. Complaint targets the action, conduct, or conflict. Ask questions instead of accusing. Use When you instead of You always or You never. “When you walked into the house without helping me carry in the groceries, it made me feel unloved, uncared for, and uncherished.”
- Nix Contempt. Contempt attacks the other person. Stop the sneer and learn to listen. A person’s feelings might seem overboard, but they are feelings, nevertheless. Listen to the feelings and help your spouse figure out the why behind the feelings. Belittling your spouse is not fighting fair.
- Do not stonewall or withdraw. This brings a sense of abandonment and is actually a form of punishment. Stay in the fight, but fight for what is right and true.
- Choose battles carefully. Give grace for the little things that are not a hill to die on. Be honest and forthright about the things that are a problem to you.
- Define the issue. Start by figuring out what the real problem is underneath the hurt feelings or the anger. Is it really because he forgot to take out the trash or because you forgot to fuel the car? What’s the deeper issue?
- State your feelings directly, but kindly. Do not beat around the bush; don’t expect your spouse to go on a treasure hunt to figure out what you think or what you are saying.
- Be quick to ask forgiveness. Acknowledging the failure and the pain you caused is like applying WD40. When one spouse always has to ask forgiveness first, you’re not really on the same team.
- Pray together. Ask God for wisdom and thank Him for help in resolving your conflict.
Resolution is the reward
Marriage can be hard. Personalities, background, life experiences, and preferences must blend together for a fulfilled marriage to happen. This blending is not a natural phenomenon. Yet it can (and does) happen when a husband and wife learn to fight fair in their marriage. Ask me how I know!
