A Different Kind of Romance

romanceRomance! Today is Valentine’s Day. For some people, it’s a happy day. For others, it is not. Cards, flowers, and chocolate do not make this a special day. What is special about this day is that we celebrate love between those we know well. For those who are married, this day can put pressure on “doing” instead of being. Today, I celebrate love that is there 365 days a year. I wrote and published this post six years ago after our 29th anniversary – and while the people in our house have changed, the man has not. That’s what makes this day special, this year.

Romance in different forms.

Romance. Ah, yes. Don’t we love the sound and the meaning of that word! Flowers and knowing I am loved. Feeling important and invigorated. Experiencing exhilaration and ecstasy. I relish it all.

We celebrated our 29th in December and, as Dave told Sarah Beth on Saturday, “There’s not going to be a whole lot of fireworks around this place this weekend!”

I experienced romance. The spelling is different from r-o-m-a-n-c-e. This different-kind-of-romance one is spelled: commitment.

Dave came in from work at three o’clock on Friday. I was happy to see him show up that early. He was on as babysitter that evening while I went to a Christmas dinner.

It was a busy day, and our little foster kids were constantly underfoot. I was glad for the chance of a reprieve and thought I’d have even more time to get some things done – until, that is, I learned he’d come in because he wasn’t feeling well.

Dave spent the extra time in the recliner, and I provided Motrin and water since there was no iced tea in the house (Woe is me!)

Dave can sleep through anything, so I sent the munchkins into the living room where his sleeping presence made them feel safe enough to be in a different room than mine.  [Yes, this was back in the day when they had to know where I was every minute of the day.] I mopped the kitchen floor before I headed to the shower.

Because his chest and his head were hurting, I worried about him; but my troops in other cities were on standby to call and check on their father. They’d let me know if there was cause for concern. So I went and had a great evening of good food and festivities.

A good night – not!

Three hours later, all three of them were standing at the door waiting for me when I got home: the two munchkins and their padre.  They were fed and bathed, and the kitchen was tidy. All that was left to do was give bedtime medications and breathing treatments.

I tucked my babies and my man into bed and came back downstairs to finish some proofing for a family book. When my eyes could no longer stay open, I headed upstairs for bed – but ended up spending most of the night in the bathroom.

By morning, I knew the sewer system in the house was in fine working order since I’d been through more toilet paper than any person ought to go through in a week. I was keenly aware I’d never survive the day without help.

So when my man crawled out of bed, I am certain I asked him if, since he wasn’t feeling well, he’d be hanging around the house for a while. I am just as certain that he said “Yes.”

So I went back to sleep, comforted that I wouldn’t be on my own.

That is why I couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t getting Little Nugget when the toddler woke up at 7:30 AM. Looking out the bedroom window, my cloudy brain finally realized that no truck in the driveway meant no man was in the house.

I moped my dehydrated body out of bed and managed to heave the 28-pound toddler out of his crib, change his diaper, and put clothes on him, all the while clutching my swollen abdomen.

Then I called Dave.

A romantic flu –  not!

“I thought you said you were hanging out here this morning,” I complained.

“Nope, I’m at work. I told you I was going to work.” He was matter-of-fact.

I didn’t question the fact that he needed to be at work. He’d taken some time off in the past weeks and was playing catch-up.

We also had dinner plans that evening with two other couples and he needed to come in early for that. I just questioned how I could have misunderstood his reply.

“Well, I was sure you said you’d be here this morning. I’m so sick and all we have is ginger ale. You know how I hate ginger ale,” I whined.

I’m really good at hinting at my needs, hoping he’ll catch on and supply them because he cares. He’d as soon have me tell him what I want than to try to figure it out himself.

But this time he didn’t have to figure it out. He knew what to do.

“I’ll bring you some Sprite,” he assured me.

By the time Dave got home, I’d managed to give breathing treatments and antibiotics to both kids. Plus, my foggy brain had remembered Miralax and probiotics for Little Miss and Zyrtec and probiotics for the little guy. I was struggling on toward breakfast when Dave got there with two 2-liters of Sprite Zero.

BLOG medications

Different ways to spell romance

When we are sick, Dave and I respond differently.

I want to be downstairs where I can hear the sounds of my family.

He wants to crawl under the house and be left alone. If he survives, he’ll come back. If he doesn’t, he will have gone to be with Jesus, which is where, some days, he’d like to be anyhow. So for him, it’s a win-win situation.

Even though we both understand each other’s love language of “when I’m sick,” we tend to try to treat the other one the way we want to be treated. Dave shooed me off as he scrambled eggs and fixed toast for the kids.

I made one more trip to the bathroom, fixed my Sprite/grape juice drink-on-ice with insulated cup-lid-straw, and headed to the love seat recliner in the living room. Burrowing under a thick cover, I shivered for a while until all parts and limbs and the chair were warm, and fell asleep.

Once Little Miss climbed up next to me on the recliner. She was all set to cuddle up, but Dave sent her away.

I wanted to tell him it was okay – that I didn’t mind. Yet I knew she’d be better off without snuggling with my germs, and I was too tired to talk, so I just went back to sleep.

From time to time I woke up and heard the sounds of family: children playing and laughing, Dave scolding, Little Nugget on the potty chair, applause from Dave for accomplishment, more laughter, and some singing, and then I fell back asleep.

Mr. Clean and romance

Once I woke up and smelled Mr. Clean. I heard water being wrung from a rag and wondered what he was cleaning. Sometimes I can feel defensive if Dave cleans up in my department, as though I don’t do it well enough for him.

This time I was too sick to care, so I went back to sleep. But then I’d wake up and smell Mr. Clean, and I’d wonder what he was doing!

It can’t be the ceiling fans, I thought. We just did those two weeks ago. It can’t be the kitchen floor. I mopped it yesterday.

It didn’t matter and even though I still wondered, I didn’t have the energy to care, so I went back to sleep.

I woke up to Dave telling me he was taking the kids to town with him.

“She can stay with me,” I croaked groggily.  But he said “no,” and headed out the door.

I was too tired to argue, and I went back to sleep.roses anniversary 29

Roses bring healing because. . .

My man came home from town with a dozen red roses and left them on the kitchen counter.

He bought the roses, not because I was sick, but because our anniversary was on the morrow and we don’t shop on Sunday.

I heard the kitchen drawer open and though I heard cutting from scissors, I didn’t think about roses and how he always feeds them with the stuff the florist sends and uses a scissors to cut open the packet. The sound of more running water came through the door and water poured into a container; but it never occurred to me that he was watering roses he bought for me.

I just went back to sleep.

Then this man tucked Little Nugget into bed and left Little Miss in the room with me after telling her to take a nap. He told me he was heading back to work, and convinced Little Miss to get a pillow and blanket.

Soon she was asleep, so I went back to sleep.

We haven’t done a lot of hugging and kissing the past few days because we were busy – and tired – and sick.

We talked about our anniversary coming up and agreed we’d celebrate later because the weekend was already full. As it turned out, I would not have been up to any celebration or romantic kissing.

A different way of hugs and kisses

Yet I did get hugged and kissed – in a different way.

Snuggling under the blanket and hearing the sounds of life and home and family in the background while I slept was one big, massive I-care-about-you hug. Having not one, but two 2-liters of diet soda at my disposal was one big smooch of a kiss.

BLOG mop bucketI asked him later about the mop bucket and dirty rag in the bathroom. Dave said he  mopped the kitchen floor. Yes, he knew it was done the day before. Between his work shoes and my youngest (Butch’s) running shoes, it seems I am always sweeping and mopping.

But he’d seen the tracks, so he got down on his hands and knees and mopped the floor while I slept. Yet when I asked him about it and expressed thanks, he acted like it really wasn’t a big deal.

Later that evening Dave headed up to bed. I was still asleep in the recliner and kept telling myself to get up and put sheets on our already-stripped bed. I needn’t have worried. He got sheets out of the closet and made the bed. When I finally woke up enough to head upstairs, he was snuggled down in a freshly-made bed.

How nice it was to snuggle in next to him after being cared for all day long.

When it comes to romance

When it comes to romance, I really do like flowers – and going on a date with my man or spending the night away. I enjoy spending time with him, entwining hands. Playful tweaks he gives me when no one is watching are cherished. I love the way he can read my face and know how I’m feeling.

I like feeling special. And cherished. And I really do like being loved.

When it comes to romance, I can hardly think of a way to feel more special, cherished and loved than to be sent to rest, sleeping all day because I’m sick – and to know he’s holding down the fort for me.

Being comfortable and cared for was what I was given because it was what I needed.

I didn’t have to ask Dave to stay – when he got home and saw how sick I was, he changed his plans (and his checkbook balance) to take care of our little ones, which was also taking care of me.

He didn’t have to say he loved me or that I was special and important. I heard all that loudly and clearly when he said, “You go get some rest. I’ll take care of the kids.”

Flowers and dinner out don’t mean a thing to me if I am left to fend for little ones by myself when I’m sick. There are many ways to celebrate commitment.

We don’t often think of mopping floors as a celebration of commitment. But at our house this past Saturday, that’s just what happened in my kitchen while I slept.

Sometimes I forget to remember that the little things he does are really big because they show his commitment to me and to us. I rather just expect him to change the light bulbs and fix broken things and figure out why something’s not working.

Ordinary is most romantic of all

I forget to remember that the ordinary days of commitment are what make celebrations worthy in the first place.

Do I like this different (and wonderful) kind of romance? You bet.

Happy 29th to the man who not only says he loves me, but who lives it (almost!) every day.

29th anniversary

 

Pinterest A Different Kind of Romance

Why Chocolate, Roses, and Cards Do Not Spell Success

romance

val hersheys

I came downstairs Valentine’s morning to a beautiful card and two large Hershey’s Milk Chocolate bars. I ripped open the card and read the sweet things my hubby wrote on the inside: things such as, “I don’t want to be a Dead Sea; I want to be like the Sea of Galilee  and keep giving to you.” I also had one sample (40 calories) of the Hershey bar and put the rest in the freezer for my daily chocolate fix.

I had already oohed and aahed at the roses he carried into the house a few days earlier. I remembered what he said when I told him, “I was just going to call you and tell you not to bring me roses; we can just go out to eat and have a special time.”

This man said, “I don’t know how many more Valentine’s days I’ll be able to buy you roses, and I don’t want to miss a single chance.”

Be still, my heart!

You know what made the card, Hershey’s chocolate and the flowers so special?

This past week, when I got up on laundry day, the dirty, smelly hampers had already been carried downstairs. The water from the Rainbow vacuum cleaner had been dumped outside and the container rinsed and brought back inside.  The trash bag from the kitchen I had put inside the door had disappeared as soon as he came home.

Dave spent over thirty minutes exchanging the white handle of a Black and Decker coffee pot (that I’d picked up at Goodwill for .49) for the red handle from my broken Bella pot. I didn’t have to say anything. My man knew I preferred the red handle, so he took the metal ring and the white  handle off and then used the metal ring to attach the red handle so my kitchen would still be red and black,  without that one white handle sticking out like a sore thumb. The pot doesn’t quite fit like the one I had, but it works. I would have been okay with using the white handled pot if the handle couldn’t be replaced, but he knew I liked my red appliances and  decided to give it a try. It took him half an hour, but he did it – just because he knew I’d like it that way.

 

He comes in some mid-afternoons and sees me taking a nap in my recliner – just because I can – and his only comment is “It must be nice to stay in a warm house and take a nap when everybody else is out working.”

I reply, “Yep.  It surely is.”

On Sunday, Dave got up in church and shared that marriage is good even though some days it is hard, and that men ought to love their wives because God said so. Men need to love their wives like Christ loved the church, sacrificially (because God said so.) Jesus gave everything He had for the church. He died for His Bride. Husbands should be willing to do the same.

I am here to tell you that if men really, truly loved their wives like Christ loves His Bride, their wives wouldn’t be looking to go anywhere else. They would feel safe – and secure – and cared for. They would know that, no matter how they age or what health problems they might face, their husband isn’t going anywhere, and they won’t be alone.

While Jesus was perfect, my husband isn’t. Neither is his bride.

Not perfect, but forgiven.

Not blameless, but growing.

Not worthy, but redeemed.

val roses 2

Roses and chocolate and dinner out wouldn’t mean a thing if he didn’t live out his love for me in the daily of life. Some days he does better than others (living it out). Guess what. The same goes for me.

How grateful I am for the example of Jesus, Whose love and commitment caused Him to give everything to save the marriage of the Bridegroom to the Bride. No, marriages aren’t perfect even though His example is.

You know what’s so wonderful about a good marriage?

The wonder is that it can be good because we are so human and imperfect. The wonder that it’s good because of the time and effort it takes to keep it afloat. When you make it a high priority, marriage  pays huge dividends. While marriage is fun and romance on some days, there are other days when it’s sheer work and effort.

Marriage requires real effort to communicate, to give the other the benefit of the doubt, and to not cast blame, nor hold a grudge. It takes work to give when you’d rather receive, to give in when you’d rather get your way, and to sacrifice for the sheer reason that it’s the right thing to do even though it doesn’t come easily or naturally.

When this man stands up in church and proclaims how good marriage can be and how men ought to love their wives like Christ loved the church, the best part is that he is practicing what he preaches every day of our lives.

If your marriage is struggling, find someone who is working theirs out in the trenches of life. Ask if you can walk alongside them and learn how to do marriage. Instead of thinking other couples don’t have struggles, reckon with the fact that all of us are full of sin and selfishness. All of us have things to learn.

All of us, who have felt so blessed, ought to be happy to share and to pray for others who are struggling.

Instead of staying away from folks who are happily married, find someone you can trust. Say to  them, “I’d like to have what you have. Can you help me? Will you walk in the trenches with me? Will you pray for me?”

Next, do the hard thing. Get down in the trenches, sweat it out, and pray it through.You will be amazed at the results!