Choosing Your Spouse Over Your Child

Looking ahead

As wives and mothers, choosing our spouse over our children is hard to do when our kids are small. When our kids are small, it’s so easy to focus on them, their needs, and their wants. After all, they can’t fend for themselves. Someone needs to diaper them, feed them, teach them to brush their teeth, and prepare them for life!

It becomes easier to focus on their needs than the needs of our spouse. He’s a man, he can take care of himself, we reason. This is true. He is a man, and he can take care of himself. On the flip side, our lack of care for his needs can chip away at our marriage relationship, even when that’s not our intent. All we can think about is the here and now – and we forget to remember that one day, these kiddos will be out on their own. We will be left with just the two of us, and our opportunities for choose our spouse will be gone, just like the kids. We’ll hit empty-nesting and expect him to want to spend time with us when he’s developed his own set of friends and activities in those child-rearing years.

Living now – choosing your spouse

When we’re in the throes of child-rearing, homework, laundry, cooking, and disciplining, the last thing we think about is choosing our spouse over our kids. Yet, this is when it needs to start – and continue. It does not mean that your children’s needs cannot be met. Nor does it mean that, in the urgency of the moment, a spouse’s needs must come before the needs of your children. 

A relationship must be cultivated to maintain and to grow. When we’re so busy cultivating the lives of our kids, we may fail have to cultivate a relationship with our spouse. There must be a balance and a goal. Where do you want to be in relationship with your spouse when the kids have grown and flown? When you answer that question, you have an answer for how to live now in choosing your spouse.

Ideas for choosing your spouse

Acknowledge that child-rearing is a stressful time. Give yourself some slack. Recognize that marriage maintenance is a day-to-day thing and requires both of you. Therefore, you need to come up with a plan.

Believe in a plan. Beware the downfall of not having a plan! Come up with a plan that works for both of you and both of your schedules. Find a way to fix the tiredness, the chaos, and the frustrations. You might need to swap child-care so you can get a nap, “schedule” love-making, or take turns taking care of kids so another can get some alone-time or rest. 

Communicate. Talk about the frustrations – his and yours! Communicate what is important during these years for both of you. If you don’t talk about it, your spouse will not know. Do not belittle your spouse’s needs or frustrations – and vice versa. Listen well and then add those things into your PLAN. 

Date. Yes, continue to date each other. Set date nights – even if it’s done from your living room sofa; make time for dates. Make them special: play! Ideally, a weekly date is great. Sometimes it has to be bi-weekly or even monthly. Do the date! Do not scrap the idea just because life is too hectic to do it more than once a month. Work on it together, and find a way to do a date. One night we fed our kids early, lit a fire in the fireplace, and ate on a card-table covered with a tablecloth in front of the fireplace. We couldn’t afford to eat out, but we worked with what we had. Our kids (who were supposed to be in bed) were fascinated, as was  proven by them peaking around the corner at us.

The bottom line in choosing your spouse

When your kids are grown and gone, will you still be in love? Or will you be two strangers under the same roof, passing like ships in the night? Where do you want your relationship to be once the kids are gone? 

Your answers to those questions will help you know what you need to do today. Choosing your spouse must be a priority, each and every day.

Photo credits: pixabay.com