Parenting: the Soft and the Strong
Soft and strong.
Children need both the soft and strong of parenting. That’s why God created families with a father and a mother. Sadly, the curse from the garden also brings separation, death, and dysfunction in families. Today more than ever, many children are raised by single parents. They miss the benefits of the balance of soft and strong parenting.
The why of soft and strong parenting
Children need strong parenting, the kind that remains firm and views their behavior objectively instead of being swayed by emotions. Children also need soft parenting, the kind that gives voice to emotions and tenderness with fears and failures.
Strong parenting sees through manipulation and pretense. It takes time to make a child pick up his own toys instead of picking them up for him. Strong parenting views the end results needed twenty years from now, instead of dwelling in the moment of emotions.
Soft parenting serves as a thermostat, understanding a child’s responses to the world around him. It allows a child to take time to work through his emotions and encourages spontaneity as well as creativity.
Both parents
A father can do soft parenting, and a mother can do strong parenting. It might not come as easily or as readily, but it happens, especially depending on the temperament of the parent.
At the same time, most caring fathers don’t need to speak to their child as often as mom. That’s because there’s an awe of dads that’s different from the way a child feels about his mom.
Children also usually more readily share their feelings with mom than with dad. That’s because mom’s heart is usually softer and more in tune with her child’s emotions. She recognizes signals her child gives off that tell her what’s going on inside him.
There’s no point in negating these facts. It’s the way God made us and one parent is not stronger or better than the other. The best thing we can do for our child is parent him together.
Single parenting
I grew up in a single-parent home because of death. I know what it is like to have a mother navigate parenting singlehandedly. Too many children today are raised by a single parent – through dysfunction, divorce, singleness, or death. It’s a hard row and not one that was part of God’s original plan.
If you’re a single parent, recognize that your child needs both the soft and the strong of parenting. If possible, enlist the help of other men or women you trust: uncles and aunts, grandparents, or other mothers and fathers in your church. They can help you sort out the missing pieces, and give you support and advice in raising your children. If you’re a single mom raising sons (or daughters), you should enlist help of other men who care. If you’re a single dad raising daughters (or sons), allow other women to plug into their lives.
My friend grew up with a frequently absent mother due to mental illness. She remembers the women from her church who stepped up to the plate and provided safety for her as she navigated her turbulent teenage years. These unsung women are the reason my friend is whole today.
Do not be afraid to ask for help. Many folks want to help, but don’t know how. Tell them how they can help!
The bottom line
We live in a broken world, and we need each other. Parenting is not something we should do alone. Get advice and help from others. If your parenting days are basically over, encourage other parents. Provide help in tangible ways: childcare, playdates, and comradery with parents who need a helping hand.
Pass on your wisdom of soft and strong parenting. Model it when you’re with other kids, and encourage parents who struggle.
Soft and strong parenting brings a balance to our homes. It’s what our children need, and it’s something we can deliver.
Photo credit: pixabay.com
